Must be nice.

I just joined a new mom's group.
I was excited to start something new and something "for me."
I was even asked to speak on homemaking.
Sounded good.

I suggested doing an informative meeting about how to talk to your children on good touch bad touch.
The moms I had mentioned it to sounded interested.
After all, you really don't get that lesson in the parent handbook. *is there a parent handbook?
Anyway- after breaking down the logistics of doing a training like this... the consensus was:
"NO."
Her exact words were:
" Although I appreciate the ideas and really the intentionality of it all, we are not going to pursue this topic at this time. I discussed with our Director and she agreed. Please know that your time/energy to this is appreciated! "

I understand it's hard to tackle. I really do.
They want to keep it "light and encouraging."
Talking about this is anything but....

But after I read this, I had a vault of emotions well up inside me:
It must be nice to just have the option to "not pursue" this topic.
It must be nice to even be able to call it a topic- versus your reality.

"My time and energy" was not appreciated.
You have no idea what my time and energy looks like.
If you really knew what my time and energy looked like towards this "topic" you wouldn't have said no.

In fact, anyone who just spends a day with a family of a child who was just assaulted would be heartbroken enough to make sure that it never happened again. There would be no other option but to tackle this "topic."

A topic is something you discuss- like what's for dinner. This is a reality- a problem. And we need to figure out how we can stop it.

Then my next flood of emotions was, "I don't think I can join them. I don't want to be apart of a group of women who think life is just good and dandy and only want to talk about feel good stuff. I can't do that. No way! Life isn't like that. That's not real. That's fake. If I want fake I will just plop myself in front of the TV for a couple hours on Thursday mornings."

"Can they even handle me? Will I be too much? Now that they know this is part of my story and this is part of what I am going through? Is it ok to have baggage with this "topic" labeled on it? If so, I am out. I don't need any more conditional love in my life. It's too painful."

I try to remember what life was like when I was one of "them." When I was one that couldn't stomach this and chose to turn a deaf ear to the fact that it could happen to someone like me.
I tried to remember that they probably aren't trying to belittle me and the pain I am enduring.
I tried to remember that my crusade isn't going to be as passionate for others as it will for me.
I tried to remember that what I feel comes from a place of deep hurt and anguish. A place that no one else could understand unless they have been the mother of a child who has had a rape kit and has been told that their perp is still walking around.

I tried to remember.
But I couldn't.
I can't.
I can't ever go back.
This is who I am now.
And I hate it.