THEN AND NOW

He used to say, "Let's be pirates daddy!"
He used to play farm and cowboys.

He used to say, "there's a growley-guss! Hurry hide!"
He used to play the bad guy.

He used to be excited to use the bathroom.
We used to go on parades. followed by stickers and m & m's when he did.

He used to be in bed by 8:30.
He used to love everybody.
Smile at everybody.
Wave at perfect strangers.

He loved to go to church.
He loved to sing songs.
He used to sing "twinkle twinkle little star.." and "Jesus loves me."

Now he asks "why do big people take off their pants, daddy?"
Now he asks "what that guy doin?"

Now he says, "I close my eyes I see bad man."
Now he screams and avoids any man who has a red shirt on.
Now he wants to know if there are going to be "bad guys" when we leave home.

For days he screamed if we even said the word "bathroom."
He would throw his feet out and stop us from carrying him to the bathroom.
He is in a pull up 24 hours a day again.
He doesn't want anyone to "hurt his bottom."

Now we are lucky to have him semi-sleeping by 10:30, mostly midnight.
He wakes every 90 minutes to 3 hours, symptoms of PTSD.
He is afraid to sleep.
He is afraid to dream.
Now we spray the room with "safe spray" every night.


Now we sing his "Safe song."
"C is safe and he is strong, listen while we sing c's song.
He is growing everyday.
C is safe and he's ok.
C is safe and he is strong.
Listen while we sing c's song."

I used to worry about making it to play dates, parks, and museums, play groups, art fairs and neighborhood outings.
I used to try to involve him with other children, adults, church, school and community events.

Now I worry about play therapy, PTSD medical evals, hepatitis and HIV testing, assault counseling, and support groups.
Now I surround my self with a select few friends and family who know, so when he goes from a normal little boy to aggressive in a minute, or crying and hiding in a second, of screaming and yelling in a flash, no one judges my "out- of-control child."

I forgot what it was like to wake and wonder what the day holds.
Now I wake and worry what the day holds.

"who will call today?"
"who will accuse me of something ludicrous today?"
"who will avoid me today?"
"what will he say when he wakes up?"
"what will he do if he sees or hears a trigger?"
"what agency or case worker will give me more bad news?"
"will I have the answers when my five year old asks hard questions?"
"will I have the strength to go on?"
"will I have the patience to hold him while he screams and hits me for minutes on end?"
"will I hold my tears when I hear a song that reminds me of God's love when I feel so alone?"
"can I go to the store?"
"can I make a meal?"
"WILL THIS EVER END?"