Victory!

Most days I feel like I take one step forward and three steps back.
We will be having a seemingly normal day and within seconds, my son is crying in the corner with his hands over his eyes.
We can be so close to bedtime, so tired, so weary, and my son's heart races and anxiety sets in. He hates to sleep. Sleep is where he dreams.
His PTSD keeps reliving his trauma over and over in his dreams.
How we long for rest.
How we long for peace.
We cry out to God night after night.
"Please Lord, please, let him sleep. Be the God of his dreams. Erase this memory from his mind!"
Then we go through the new routine: changing pajama's. Changing rooms. Changing covers.
Sometimes we have to leave and change environments all together.
Sometimes one of us is driving him around at 2 am.
Sometimes we end up at someone Else's house, mostly my moms.
It is amazing this child can function on so little sleep.
He has looked so tired.
His eyes are dark and sunken in.

Since we know that changing environments helps him feel safe.
We decided to change his room all together.
Our therapist and a few others encouraged us in this decision.
Everything from the trim, to the curtains, to the covers would change.
There would be no evidence of the old room he had nightmares in.

God came through big time here.
Friends showed up with envelopes of cash, offering to help with the cost of all the supplies and decorations.
We ended up only using 50.00 of our own money to redo everything.
God was on the team here, using others to get this done.

I worked until 1 am, while the boys slept at their grandmas house.
My husband got up and worked at 6 am.
We fought, butted heads, cried, sighed, laughed, and worked all at the same time.
We haven't had a night alone in months.
We laughed that this was the last thing we would want to do on date night, but if it would help, once again we would put our marriage on the back burner.

I worried about my son, but he was in good hands. Turns out he slept from 11 to 5. Not too bad for him.

After the room was all done, the boys got to see it.
They loved it.
"It's a big boy baseball room!" they cried.
It was awesome to see my little guy's eyes light up, and to run and jump into his bed.

So, here we are 4 days since it has finished.
He has actually gotten in his bed at bedtime. A victory.
He wouldn't stay in it long, but at least he would get in.
He has slept a little longer stretches: 3-4 hours at a time.

He has had a croupy cough, so last night we gave him triaminic.
By 10:30 he was asleep.
IN HIS BED!
We laid in our bed just waiting for the screams to start.
They never did.
We prayed, read scripture over our home, and fell asleep.
My baby woke at 2 am.
After feeding her, I couldn't believe my son was still asleep.

I woke this morning at 7:30 to hear him and his brother chatting in their room.

My eyes filled with tears as I looked at the clock.
"HE did it Lord, He slept! For the first time in almost 6 weeks, his little body finally rested! Maybe his brain will reset now and quit reliving this memory! Oh Thank you God! Thank you!"

Another victory- my husbands boss is a real jerk.
He hasn't given him any time off since this happened.
When we went to all our initial appointments, he got flack for being gone.
He needed a day off so bad.
He asked for this Friday off.
His boss replied, "company policy states you need to give 2 weeks notice for a vacation day."
Adam just stood there.
Stared at him.
" I guess it's pretty important."
"Yes. I haven't been in bed before 1 am since my sons assault. I need to rest and be with my family."
"Ok, I guess you have shown great effort around here and need to do this."

So, tomorrow morning, we are taking our 2 sons to Kansas City.
We are going to stay in a hotel paid for by my amazing parents, and go to a fabulous family water park.
Our therapist thinks this will give our son a new memory to relive at bedtime.
That is our prayers.
Our only concern is we still don't know all his triggers yet.
We hope we can keep him preoccupied enough that it doesn't even get a chance to creep in.

Today I am soaking in the goodness of this victory.
For weeks I have felt defeated.
I have felt hopeless.
Like our life will never be the same.
We will never sleep again.
I want one day where this guy doesn't affect my family.
One day where we aren't faced with the affects of CSA.
So when I get a victory- I will take it.
I will proclaim it.
I will celebrate with great passion and joy.
Because:
We will win.
We will be victorious,
because we serve a God that is victorious.