How does he do it?

My husband seems so strong.
I know he is fighting a terrible battle within.
But I envy his strength.
I wish I could stay strong.
I feel sad.
I get irritated so easily over little things now.
I can't sleep.
I wonder if the perp is watching us.
I wonder if I knew him.
Trusted him.
I sometimes envy the fact that he gets up and goes to work.
I wish I could go away.
I wish I could do anything but face life at home.
I wish I didn't have to answer the SRS and detectives calls.
I wish I didn't have to go to the guidance center alone while he works.
I wish I didn't fill out the billing paper work for the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners with our personal information and insurance.
I wish I didn't have to watch and diffuse my sons many melt downs during the day.
I wish I didn't have to think of a "calming" activity to do with him hourly like the therapist suggested.
I wish I didn't feel like such a failure when my other children need my attention and get the tired left overs of my heart.
I wish I could hug my husband and not want to pull away because my pain floods in and I am afraid I will collapse.
I wish I could hear the word "sex" and not follow it with "Assault" automatically in my head.
I wish I could bare the idea of ever even having sex again and not go back to this horrible incident.
I hate it that something so sweet and innocent in my marriage is now linked with something so horrible.
How do I turn this off so I can be a loving wife again?
I wish I could compartmentalize the way men do.
I know we are created so differently in this way.
But to be honest, I hate it that they can do this.
I wish I could flip a switch.
I know he has a horrible time.
I know this.
I know he wants to snap and lose his mind in anger.
I know he fights it daily.
I know he HATES going to work right now.
I know that inside he is dying like me.
But it just looks SO differently.
I see how marriages can get torn apart in this.
It is so hard to handle something so horrible so differently.
I wish we could put a pause on life and just allow ourselves to not be strong for anyone.
including each other.
But our children need us.
Our jobs need us.
The bills don't stop.
The world still turns.
Inside I am dying and just want ball up in bed and cry till I fall asleep.
But I can't.
Neither can he.
I just wish sometimes I could see him fall apart.
I am sure I would be terrified when he did.
I am not used to seeing my man broken.
But it would make me feel better.
Like I am not alone.
Like I am not the only one hanging on by a thread.
I sometimes wonder if we will ever be as happy as we used to be.
I wonder if we can ever get a babysitter and really enjoy ourselves again.
There are so many things this awful person stole from us. Including our peaceful marriage.
I hate him for that.