No one knows what to do

I have found that people say stupid stuff when you are hurting.
Or they might not say anything at all.
Or there are those that just plain avoid you and your family because they either:
1. don't know what to do
2. Can't handle the situation you are going through.

I have often thought about how many times in the past I have probably said or done something stupid while a friend was in crisis.
I have probably not done enough.

It's amazing the perspective being on the other side of crisis gives you.

I had a friend who has also recently gone through some horrible times tell me something very wise:
"you just have to give them grace. The truth is. They would do anything. They just have NO CLUE what to do. And everyone thinks someone else is checking on you, so they don't. But the truth is everyone thinks this, so no one checks."

Our sexual assault counselor said the same thing, but she simply said:
"Don't take it personally. No one has a clue. "

To be honest. We don't either.
We have no clue.
WE don't expect beautifully said words of inspiration and encouragement.
We don't expect you to fix it or even know what to say and do.

All we need is for you to acknowledge it.
Just check on us.
Acknowledge the fact that we are waking and sleeping with a great burden, hurt, and fear.
Acknowledge that we still exist.
That we are not forgotten.
Because, the longer we don't hear from you, the more we will believe we are abandoned. Forgotten. Alone.

Just a text.
A email.
A call.
A quick drop by.

If we are overwhelmed.
We will tell you.
If we don't want to talk.
We won't answer.

If we don't come to the door, we want to be alone.

BUT....
We know you tried.
We know you were thinking of us.
We know you have not forgotten us.
We know your life is moving on, and you have your stuff to deal with, but don't make us feel that it is more important than what we are going through.
We know that even though you don't know what to do, or say, that we are still on your minds, hearts, and thoughts.

Don't avoid me.
I already feel like I have a huge sign on that flashes in neon letters:
"I am a failure. My child was assaulted. I didn't do my job. We are a wreck. We now resemble all things evil that can happen to a child."
And when you avoid me, I feel even more alone. Like even more of a failure.

Just hug me.
Just say you are sorry.
Just say it sucks.
Don't be afraid to cry too.
Don't be afraid to be pissed too.
Don't be afraid to tell me how sick you are about it.
Don't just text or call me once and call it good for 2 weeks.
I don't need you to be strong.
Just your presence in my life makes me stronger, not necessarily your words.
When I ask for encouragement or advice, give it in a loving manner.
But don't make me feel like I am not doing the right thing, or that you have it all figured out.

Realize that I might be kind of crazy.
You could call me one day and we will laugh and plan an outing.
The next minute I could be crying, cussing, or even hysterical.
I could change my mind on a dime.
I could avoid certain places and things because I live in fear that something I see will trigger the vault of emotions inside of me.
I might not be a help.
I might not ask about you.
I might not notice something going on in your life that is important.
But it is. And it kills me that I can't be that for you right now.
But I will again someday, but for now. I have nothing to give.
Nothing to offer.
And I feel really guilty about that too.
I take pride in knowing that I am good friend.
I am mad because this person has not only taken from my family, friends, and church, but he is taking from my relationships too.

If what we are going through is too heavy, or to difficult for you to bare. Tell me.
I will not be mad at you.
I will not be disappointed in you.
When Oprah would talk about sexual offenders on her show I always watched HGTV instead.
I couldn't handle it.
I couldn't stomach the thought.
So I get it.
Maybe you are too consumed with what life has for you now.
I get that too.
Nothing is more important than your life and your family.
But just TELL ME.
Don't avoid me.
I want to know that I won't be able to count on you for texts, calls, emails, or visits.
It will help me know not to be let down or disappointed when you don't.
I will know that you love me sincerely and you are praying and fighting on your end, you just can't help me in a physical manner now.
Your honesty is what will help me from hurting more, and assuming things that aren't true.

Finally, for those who are journeying closely besides me.
I know you are on a path that is dark, scary, and uncharted.
I know that I am a mess and have nothing to offer but heartache and bad news, sometimes hourly, sometimes daily.

I know that you are hurting too and want to help.
I see your sweetness in your gifts.
Things for the kids to play with.
Snacks for munchies.
Money to help when we can't tweak our budget.
Meals so I don't have to cook after a day of battling.
Late night prayer vigils and late night cry sessions.
Thank you doesn't do it justice.
I have seen and heard Jesus through you.
Although you can't do everything I need, or even say what I need to hear, I know you are close, and you aren't afraid of what might come out of my mouth.
I know that if you are, no matter what it is, you won't run.
I love you.

I understand.
I really do.
Although it sucks.
I understand.
That:
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT TO DO.