News I am not supposed to hear.

Weekends are pretty uneventful at my house.
We are trying to get out of debt. So we don't go out much.
We never get a babysitter. And when we do, it's always grandparents.
We mostly hang out at home, watch some movies, play outside, and go to church.

I love our weekends. My husband works 60+ hour weeks.
It is so nice to have him home on the weekends.

This weekend was special in a few ways: I had taken Saturday off- I usually work on Saturdays while daddy takes the kids.
We had all day to play- be lazy- and get some much needed projects done.

Saturday we played outside. It was finally getting warmer out.
I did some sewing and painting on crafts I had been wanting to finish.

Sunday we actually made it to early service at Church. We just started leaving our youngest, so service had been really special. I was able to give God my undivided attention.

My other two love to go. They hopped into their rooms as they do every Sunday.
We spent time in fellowship after service and headed home.

My middle son fell asleep in the car. He seemed really tired so early in the day.
After lunch, we got the kids ready for afternoon naps.
He had a huge melt down.
Refusing to get in bed and refusing to go the bathroom.

After fighting, I gave in and let him hang with me while the others slept.
He is a very busy boy. He will not sit still for 5 minutes. He is in his own little world most days.
He wanted to sit by me all day. He sat and watched me sew for almost 2 hours.
I couldn't believe it.
He had a few potty accidents, and when I asked him to go to the bathroom he would scream no and hide.

He seemed "off."

That afternoon we played outside. Worked in the yard.
He was really aggressive. Wanted to hit things, throw things, and destroy things.
Don't get me wrong, this is not totally out of the norm.
He is a toddler boy- this behaviour happens from time to time.

That night we had a family get together. Once again he refused to use the bathroom. He played normally with his cousins and we enjoyed a great night.

He started saying his bottom hurt at bed time. I just told him in my stern mother voice, "it's probably because you have pottied in your pants so many times today!"

Bedtime was a HUGE battle.
He continued to get out of bed.
My husband and I were getting extremely irritated.

At bedtime I had a hard time falling asleep.
I had been in a 2 week long fight with a family member so I just figured I was still feeling unsettled from that.

At midnight I still couldn't sleep.
My spirit felt so uneasy.
I wrote a letter to my family member hoping that it would help me feel some peace.
After the letter my spirit seemed more unsettled.
I felt incredible anxiety.
The air even felt heavy.

At 3 am I woke my husband and said that we needed to pray.
I felt I was under extreme spiritual attack and that I needed prayer.
My husband quickly sat up, grabbed my hands and started praying.

Not even a minute into his prayer my son started hysterically screaming.
We quickly got up and rushed in his room.
"My bottom hurts!" He yelled in between screams and cries.
He was taking his pj bottoms off.
He sometimes does this when he needs to potty and is half asleep still.

We scooped him up so he wouldn't wake his brother.
I think he pooped I told my husband.
He then grabbed some wipes and turned the bathroom light on.

"This isn't poop.... This is blood!"
I wiped gently and he continued to scream.
"It hurts, you are hurting me!" he cried over and over.
I could see he was irritated, and that he was barely bleeding from his rectum.

He slept restlessly the rest of the night.
When we woke I asked him to go potty.
He freaked out.
Screamed and hid.
I figured he must had gotten into something outside, he was sitting by some sticks and mulch...
"Little boys..." I thought.
I called my pediatrician immediately to get him seen. My oldest was also complaining of a sore throat.

We went in at 9:50 that morning.
Me, and all 3 kids.

My oldest was seen first.
"Might be strep.." "And if so, the little one could even get strep in his bottom..." The doctor said.
After looking at his throat and concluding it was a virus, he moved on to my other son.

My son loves our doctor, and trusts him greatly. It took a little coaxing, but after promising not to hurt him, he let him look.

We saw some "fissures" and lots of irritation.
"Looks like he might have had some hard stool? Have you noticed him straining?"

"Not at all. In fact he went in his pants and it wasn't hard at all. He had accidents all day yesterday- and even seemed to be acting a little strange."

The doctor left, came back with his nurse.
"Do you mind if she watches the kids and you and I go talk in another room?"

My stomach began to sink.
"Sure" I said...

He asked be about the past 24 hours. We talked about everything we did that day.
"was anyone alone with him at all yesterday?"
"no- actually he was with me all day- he didn't even want to take a nap. Just church, that's all."

"Do I want to believe that this could happen? No way," He said.
"But I have to tell you what the exam says."
"It could fit both cases.."
I just sat there in shock...
"He could have some fissures with some external irritation, or there could be some foul play.... Has he mentioned anything to you?"
"No. " I said... starting to cry.
My stomach was churning.
"Can we go talk to him about it?"
"I guess..."
I had no words. I couldn't even move.
My spirit was saying something was very wrong, but my mind couldn't comprehend it.

He asked my son a few non-leading questions.
All my son said was someone did take him potty at church.

He asked if I would give him permission to call a colleague who deals with this kind of situation.
I said yes.

I sat alone in the exam room.
My baby started crying from hunger, we were there past her feeding time.
The minutes felt like hours. I left my cell phone at home and couldn't call my husband.
I was fighting tears. I was fighting all the "what if" thoughts rushing in.
I vomited. In the sink.
My oldest son asked what was wrong.
I told him I was feeling a little sick too.

Our doctor came in and guided me on how to talk to my son at home. We would move forward if he gave us any cues leading to abuse.

My kids were asking for food from a local sandwich shop on the way home.
I typically would say no, staying true to our budget.

Today I said yes.
We ordered our food and then waited.
I sat in the drive through shaking.
I wanted to scream through the window to hurry up.
I wanted to scream about the car in front of me.
I wanted to scream about the temperature outside.
I was boiling with emotion inside.

I called my husband immediately when I got home.
He wanted to know why.
I said I had to tell him in person.

My hands trembled.
My heart raced.
I got the kids sandwiches cut and made the baby a bottle.

I put the baby in bed right as my husband walked in.
We went into the bedroom.

His eyes had great fear in them.
"Is it him?" (referring to my son who had been up that night..)
"Yes." I said.

I told him everything the doctor said.
My husbands face was red.
His lips were quivering.

"Let's talk to him..."
WE asked my son to come into our room.
The doctor had strongly encouraged us to not ask questions that would lead him to respond in ways he thought would please us..
So we were told not to ask "did somebody hurt you?" "did somebody touch you?"

At this point, I strongly wanted to believe it was fissures.
I didn't want him to give us any information that would point towards this horror.

"Did you go potty at church?
"yes! I went pee!"
"Did someone help you go potty?"
"yes, my friend."
"was it a teacher or a little friend?"
"he my big friend."
we than talked about the day- and about toys, and other things.... changing the subject for some time.
"when did your bottom hurt?"
"At church."

He ran off and we looked at each other with disbelief.
"Maybe he had a hard stool at church..."
"Lets hope."
"I will call the church." my husband said.

I tried so hard to keep it together.
Little things became marathons to do.

I texted our families and a few close friends.
"urgent: please stop and pray for us. We are about to encounter something very hard. Will share details later.. please pray."