We should be there.

It is Sunday Morning.
Typically we would be at church right now.
My husband and I would be worshiping with our Christian family, singing out loud to God in harmony with the family and friends we have been in community with for almost 4 years.
We would be getting hugs and pats of the back as we walked in.

Our kids would be making people smile as they skip down the hall in their cowboy boots and as my baby smiles and smirks at everyone she sees.

We would print of badges, kiss them, and say, "Have a great time! See you in an hour!"
We would be feeling the Holy Spirit move as people come together to worship.
I would be sitting and feeling refreshed as I spend a precious hour not being mommy, just sitting and hearing the message, refueling my soul.

My husband would be taking tedious notes, and highlighting the scriptures the pastor used.
We would go pick up our kids and visit with friends in the hallways.

We would get hugs.
We would give hugs.

We would smile and giggle at the kids running and chasing each other.

We might even make lunch plans with friends or family.

But today.
We are not there.

My boys are playing outside.
My husband went back to bed.

My baby is napping in her crib.

And I am clinging to the scriptures that promise God can be found anywhere.

I am fighting feelings of anger as my oldest keeps asking me why we are not at church.

For 5 years we have trained him that it is the most important part of our week.
To gather with people who love God as much as we do and to fellowship with Christians.
There were mornings we were tired and he didn't want to go.
My husband would always say, "you will be glad you did. Just get ready and lets go. Lets please God by going."

That statement seems so different now.
We wish we didn't go.
We aren't glad we did.

Last Sunday we were physically ill.
We weren't prepared to wake up and fight the battle we did that morning.
My husband had diarrhea all morning.
He had to physically keep me home.
I woke up and was determined to go.
I don't know what I was going to do- but I felt I needed to go and "Keep watch."

We knew that this wasn't going to help any one.
The whole morning our skin crawled thinking this sicko could be there with our friends.

Thankfully last week there was no children's ministry, so the kids were with the parents.

However this week, things are back to normal.
We do feel good about the decisions the church has made to up security now. There are even cameras being installed soon.

But that doesn't change that we can't go.
That doesn't change that my husband and I probably won't feel safe to leave our kids for along time again.

That doesn't change the fact that my little guy is forgetting about the incident, but that something or someone, or some place could trigger the memory.

That doesn't change the fact that the investigation is still going on and we don't know who it was.
Was it a stranger? A teacher? A child?

That doesn't change the fact that we have to lie to people why we are not there.
That doesn't change the fact that the place we served, and were well known is the one place we have to avoid, the one place we associate with horror, the one place we don't know if we can ever go back to.

We should be there.

But we aren't.
We are home.
We are hurting.
We feel..sooo...alone.