How does he do it?

My husband seems so strong.
I know he is fighting a terrible battle within.
But I envy his strength.
I wish I could stay strong.
I feel sad.
I get irritated so easily over little things now.
I can't sleep.
I wonder if the perp is watching us.
I wonder if I knew him.
Trusted him.
I sometimes envy the fact that he gets up and goes to work.
I wish I could go away.
I wish I could do anything but face life at home.
I wish I didn't have to answer the SRS and detectives calls.
I wish I didn't have to go to the guidance center alone while he works.
I wish I didn't fill out the billing paper work for the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners with our personal information and insurance.
I wish I didn't have to watch and diffuse my sons many melt downs during the day.
I wish I didn't have to think of a "calming" activity to do with him hourly like the therapist suggested.
I wish I didn't feel like such a failure when my other children need my attention and get the tired left overs of my heart.
I wish I could hug my husband and not want to pull away because my pain floods in and I am afraid I will collapse.
I wish I could hear the word "sex" and not follow it with "Assault" automatically in my head.
I wish I could bare the idea of ever even having sex again and not go back to this horrible incident.
I hate it that something so sweet and innocent in my marriage is now linked with something so horrible.
How do I turn this off so I can be a loving wife again?
I wish I could compartmentalize the way men do.
I know we are created so differently in this way.
But to be honest, I hate it that they can do this.
I wish I could flip a switch.
I know he has a horrible time.
I know this.
I know he wants to snap and lose his mind in anger.
I know he fights it daily.
I know he HATES going to work right now.
I know that inside he is dying like me.
But it just looks SO differently.
I see how marriages can get torn apart in this.
It is so hard to handle something so horrible so differently.
I wish we could put a pause on life and just allow ourselves to not be strong for anyone.
including each other.
But our children need us.
Our jobs need us.
The bills don't stop.
The world still turns.
Inside I am dying and just want ball up in bed and cry till I fall asleep.
But I can't.
Neither can he.
I just wish sometimes I could see him fall apart.
I am sure I would be terrified when he did.
I am not used to seeing my man broken.
But it would make me feel better.
Like I am not alone.
Like I am not the only one hanging on by a thread.
I sometimes wonder if we will ever be as happy as we used to be.
I wonder if we can ever get a babysitter and really enjoy ourselves again.
There are so many things this awful person stole from us. Including our peaceful marriage.
I hate him for that.

When things are not over.

We found out this week they are closing the investigation.
We don't understand.
My son isn't considered a "viable witness."
I was told that he doesn't understand the difference between "fantasy" or "reality."
This made my blood boil.
Before my son did indeed play in fantasy.
He would pretend to drive a tractor, or fly a plane.
Sometimes he was a dinosaur or maybe doggy.
Where does "i play potty at church" come from? Whe does this play involve horrible sexual acts he never would know anything about?
Why did he respond to the doctor when he asked "when did your bottom hurt?"
He said "At church."
Why does every time he see a man in a red shirt he panics and wants to run away?
Why does he stay up night after night avoiding sleep and needing to constantly change environments?
Why does he cry so much more.
Fear so much more?
Stare off in the distance?
Why does he tell me that he can't talk about "big friend" or he will get in trouble?
Why does he act out, lash out, throw things, bite, and scream and pound the wall repeatedly when he never used to?
I ask you, detective and DA's office, why?
How is this fantasy?
This is not fantasy.
This is our family's new reality.
This is our nightmare we call life now.
This is our reality.
It is real.
We are living it.
We are watching it unfold daily.
Why do you protect the perpetrator?
Why do you make it to where young children do not have a voice?
Don't you see that this is why they attack this age children?
Because they know you won't take anything they say or do as "admissible in court?"
What about the babies, who can't even talk to their parents?
What about the mental handicapped who can't explain?
How do we protect them?
So much is stolen from a child when they are assaulted.
Their innocence, their trust, their sense of control.
And you, you wretched legal system are giving the thieves an all access pass.
All though you have closed the folder on my sons case-
Our battle still rages.
We still hold him while he asks to be safe at night.
We watch him avoid certain places and people he didn't used to.
We watch our once outgoing fun loving child now be extra cautious and leery of everything.
We will never be able to go back to our beloved church because YOU didn't even try to find out who it was.
We know this person was good.
We know that if he did it once he will do it again.
Your work is done.
But ours is not.
We will never be able to close this folder in our lives.
And while I don't blame you for that, I blame this sick person.
I do blame you for not fighting for my son.
I blame you for not listening to what he is saying.
To what he is crying out.
I blame you for not listening to us, his loving protecting parents.
I blame you for not fighting for the innocent.
Things may be over for you.
But they will never.
Ever.
Be over for us.

No one knows what to do

I have found that people say stupid stuff when you are hurting.
Or they might not say anything at all.
Or there are those that just plain avoid you and your family because they either:
1. don't know what to do
2. Can't handle the situation you are going through.

I have often thought about how many times in the past I have probably said or done something stupid while a friend was in crisis.
I have probably not done enough.

It's amazing the perspective being on the other side of crisis gives you.

I had a friend who has also recently gone through some horrible times tell me something very wise:
"you just have to give them grace. The truth is. They would do anything. They just have NO CLUE what to do. And everyone thinks someone else is checking on you, so they don't. But the truth is everyone thinks this, so no one checks."

Our sexual assault counselor said the same thing, but she simply said:
"Don't take it personally. No one has a clue. "

To be honest. We don't either.
We have no clue.
WE don't expect beautifully said words of inspiration and encouragement.
We don't expect you to fix it or even know what to say and do.

All we need is for you to acknowledge it.
Just check on us.
Acknowledge the fact that we are waking and sleeping with a great burden, hurt, and fear.
Acknowledge that we still exist.
That we are not forgotten.
Because, the longer we don't hear from you, the more we will believe we are abandoned. Forgotten. Alone.

Just a text.
A email.
A call.
A quick drop by.

If we are overwhelmed.
We will tell you.
If we don't want to talk.
We won't answer.

If we don't come to the door, we want to be alone.

BUT....
We know you tried.
We know you were thinking of us.
We know you have not forgotten us.
We know your life is moving on, and you have your stuff to deal with, but don't make us feel that it is more important than what we are going through.
We know that even though you don't know what to do, or say, that we are still on your minds, hearts, and thoughts.

Don't avoid me.
I already feel like I have a huge sign on that flashes in neon letters:
"I am a failure. My child was assaulted. I didn't do my job. We are a wreck. We now resemble all things evil that can happen to a child."
And when you avoid me, I feel even more alone. Like even more of a failure.

Just hug me.
Just say you are sorry.
Just say it sucks.
Don't be afraid to cry too.
Don't be afraid to be pissed too.
Don't be afraid to tell me how sick you are about it.
Don't just text or call me once and call it good for 2 weeks.
I don't need you to be strong.
Just your presence in my life makes me stronger, not necessarily your words.
When I ask for encouragement or advice, give it in a loving manner.
But don't make me feel like I am not doing the right thing, or that you have it all figured out.

Realize that I might be kind of crazy.
You could call me one day and we will laugh and plan an outing.
The next minute I could be crying, cussing, or even hysterical.
I could change my mind on a dime.
I could avoid certain places and things because I live in fear that something I see will trigger the vault of emotions inside of me.
I might not be a help.
I might not ask about you.
I might not notice something going on in your life that is important.
But it is. And it kills me that I can't be that for you right now.
But I will again someday, but for now. I have nothing to give.
Nothing to offer.
And I feel really guilty about that too.
I take pride in knowing that I am good friend.
I am mad because this person has not only taken from my family, friends, and church, but he is taking from my relationships too.

If what we are going through is too heavy, or to difficult for you to bare. Tell me.
I will not be mad at you.
I will not be disappointed in you.
When Oprah would talk about sexual offenders on her show I always watched HGTV instead.
I couldn't handle it.
I couldn't stomach the thought.
So I get it.
Maybe you are too consumed with what life has for you now.
I get that too.
Nothing is more important than your life and your family.
But just TELL ME.
Don't avoid me.
I want to know that I won't be able to count on you for texts, calls, emails, or visits.
It will help me know not to be let down or disappointed when you don't.
I will know that you love me sincerely and you are praying and fighting on your end, you just can't help me in a physical manner now.
Your honesty is what will help me from hurting more, and assuming things that aren't true.

Finally, for those who are journeying closely besides me.
I know you are on a path that is dark, scary, and uncharted.
I know that I am a mess and have nothing to offer but heartache and bad news, sometimes hourly, sometimes daily.

I know that you are hurting too and want to help.
I see your sweetness in your gifts.
Things for the kids to play with.
Snacks for munchies.
Money to help when we can't tweak our budget.
Meals so I don't have to cook after a day of battling.
Late night prayer vigils and late night cry sessions.
Thank you doesn't do it justice.
I have seen and heard Jesus through you.
Although you can't do everything I need, or even say what I need to hear, I know you are close, and you aren't afraid of what might come out of my mouth.
I know that if you are, no matter what it is, you won't run.
I love you.

I understand.
I really do.
Although it sucks.
I understand.
That:
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT TO DO.

We should be there.

It is Sunday Morning.
Typically we would be at church right now.
My husband and I would be worshiping with our Christian family, singing out loud to God in harmony with the family and friends we have been in community with for almost 4 years.
We would be getting hugs and pats of the back as we walked in.

Our kids would be making people smile as they skip down the hall in their cowboy boots and as my baby smiles and smirks at everyone she sees.

We would print of badges, kiss them, and say, "Have a great time! See you in an hour!"
We would be feeling the Holy Spirit move as people come together to worship.
I would be sitting and feeling refreshed as I spend a precious hour not being mommy, just sitting and hearing the message, refueling my soul.

My husband would be taking tedious notes, and highlighting the scriptures the pastor used.
We would go pick up our kids and visit with friends in the hallways.

We would get hugs.
We would give hugs.

We would smile and giggle at the kids running and chasing each other.

We might even make lunch plans with friends or family.

But today.
We are not there.

My boys are playing outside.
My husband went back to bed.

My baby is napping in her crib.

And I am clinging to the scriptures that promise God can be found anywhere.

I am fighting feelings of anger as my oldest keeps asking me why we are not at church.

For 5 years we have trained him that it is the most important part of our week.
To gather with people who love God as much as we do and to fellowship with Christians.
There were mornings we were tired and he didn't want to go.
My husband would always say, "you will be glad you did. Just get ready and lets go. Lets please God by going."

That statement seems so different now.
We wish we didn't go.
We aren't glad we did.

Last Sunday we were physically ill.
We weren't prepared to wake up and fight the battle we did that morning.
My husband had diarrhea all morning.
He had to physically keep me home.
I woke up and was determined to go.
I don't know what I was going to do- but I felt I needed to go and "Keep watch."

We knew that this wasn't going to help any one.
The whole morning our skin crawled thinking this sicko could be there with our friends.

Thankfully last week there was no children's ministry, so the kids were with the parents.

However this week, things are back to normal.
We do feel good about the decisions the church has made to up security now. There are even cameras being installed soon.

But that doesn't change that we can't go.
That doesn't change that my husband and I probably won't feel safe to leave our kids for along time again.

That doesn't change the fact that my little guy is forgetting about the incident, but that something or someone, or some place could trigger the memory.

That doesn't change the fact that the investigation is still going on and we don't know who it was.
Was it a stranger? A teacher? A child?

That doesn't change the fact that we have to lie to people why we are not there.
That doesn't change the fact that the place we served, and were well known is the one place we have to avoid, the one place we associate with horror, the one place we don't know if we can ever go back to.

We should be there.

But we aren't.
We are home.
We are hurting.
We feel..sooo...alone.

posts

These posts will seem very out of order.
My goal only is to write what I am feeling, even if it is that moment, and i haven't finished telling all the story yet.

Recapping the past 2 weeks is so difficult and draining, so I will only be able to write a few events at a time.
As much as I want, and need to do this, it is so hard, to process through it. I feel so much better being able to be honest, real, and raw about what I am going through- so it won't be in order.

The main goal of this is for me. I am a processor- I sort through my feelings when I write them. I love to just sit and see what God brings out.
I also wanted a place to document things on our side, in case of a court date, that I have something to refer to.

The last reason is if there is another family struggling with this too- unfortunately now I am part of your community. We are in this together.
I feel so alone most days.
I wonder if I am the only person who feels these ranges of emotions and fears, and anger.

Maybe someone out there does too.
If so.
I am not alone.
You are not alone.

News I am not supposed to hear.

Weekends are pretty uneventful at my house.
We are trying to get out of debt. So we don't go out much.
We never get a babysitter. And when we do, it's always grandparents.
We mostly hang out at home, watch some movies, play outside, and go to church.

I love our weekends. My husband works 60+ hour weeks.
It is so nice to have him home on the weekends.

This weekend was special in a few ways: I had taken Saturday off- I usually work on Saturdays while daddy takes the kids.
We had all day to play- be lazy- and get some much needed projects done.

Saturday we played outside. It was finally getting warmer out.
I did some sewing and painting on crafts I had been wanting to finish.

Sunday we actually made it to early service at Church. We just started leaving our youngest, so service had been really special. I was able to give God my undivided attention.

My other two love to go. They hopped into their rooms as they do every Sunday.
We spent time in fellowship after service and headed home.

My middle son fell asleep in the car. He seemed really tired so early in the day.
After lunch, we got the kids ready for afternoon naps.
He had a huge melt down.
Refusing to get in bed and refusing to go the bathroom.

After fighting, I gave in and let him hang with me while the others slept.
He is a very busy boy. He will not sit still for 5 minutes. He is in his own little world most days.
He wanted to sit by me all day. He sat and watched me sew for almost 2 hours.
I couldn't believe it.
He had a few potty accidents, and when I asked him to go to the bathroom he would scream no and hide.

He seemed "off."

That afternoon we played outside. Worked in the yard.
He was really aggressive. Wanted to hit things, throw things, and destroy things.
Don't get me wrong, this is not totally out of the norm.
He is a toddler boy- this behaviour happens from time to time.

That night we had a family get together. Once again he refused to use the bathroom. He played normally with his cousins and we enjoyed a great night.

He started saying his bottom hurt at bed time. I just told him in my stern mother voice, "it's probably because you have pottied in your pants so many times today!"

Bedtime was a HUGE battle.
He continued to get out of bed.
My husband and I were getting extremely irritated.

At bedtime I had a hard time falling asleep.
I had been in a 2 week long fight with a family member so I just figured I was still feeling unsettled from that.

At midnight I still couldn't sleep.
My spirit felt so uneasy.
I wrote a letter to my family member hoping that it would help me feel some peace.
After the letter my spirit seemed more unsettled.
I felt incredible anxiety.
The air even felt heavy.

At 3 am I woke my husband and said that we needed to pray.
I felt I was under extreme spiritual attack and that I needed prayer.
My husband quickly sat up, grabbed my hands and started praying.

Not even a minute into his prayer my son started hysterically screaming.
We quickly got up and rushed in his room.
"My bottom hurts!" He yelled in between screams and cries.
He was taking his pj bottoms off.
He sometimes does this when he needs to potty and is half asleep still.

We scooped him up so he wouldn't wake his brother.
I think he pooped I told my husband.
He then grabbed some wipes and turned the bathroom light on.

"This isn't poop.... This is blood!"
I wiped gently and he continued to scream.
"It hurts, you are hurting me!" he cried over and over.
I could see he was irritated, and that he was barely bleeding from his rectum.

He slept restlessly the rest of the night.
When we woke I asked him to go potty.
He freaked out.
Screamed and hid.
I figured he must had gotten into something outside, he was sitting by some sticks and mulch...
"Little boys..." I thought.
I called my pediatrician immediately to get him seen. My oldest was also complaining of a sore throat.

We went in at 9:50 that morning.
Me, and all 3 kids.

My oldest was seen first.
"Might be strep.." "And if so, the little one could even get strep in his bottom..." The doctor said.
After looking at his throat and concluding it was a virus, he moved on to my other son.

My son loves our doctor, and trusts him greatly. It took a little coaxing, but after promising not to hurt him, he let him look.

We saw some "fissures" and lots of irritation.
"Looks like he might have had some hard stool? Have you noticed him straining?"

"Not at all. In fact he went in his pants and it wasn't hard at all. He had accidents all day yesterday- and even seemed to be acting a little strange."

The doctor left, came back with his nurse.
"Do you mind if she watches the kids and you and I go talk in another room?"

My stomach began to sink.
"Sure" I said...

He asked be about the past 24 hours. We talked about everything we did that day.
"was anyone alone with him at all yesterday?"
"no- actually he was with me all day- he didn't even want to take a nap. Just church, that's all."

"Do I want to believe that this could happen? No way," He said.
"But I have to tell you what the exam says."
"It could fit both cases.."
I just sat there in shock...
"He could have some fissures with some external irritation, or there could be some foul play.... Has he mentioned anything to you?"
"No. " I said... starting to cry.
My stomach was churning.
"Can we go talk to him about it?"
"I guess..."
I had no words. I couldn't even move.
My spirit was saying something was very wrong, but my mind couldn't comprehend it.

He asked my son a few non-leading questions.
All my son said was someone did take him potty at church.

He asked if I would give him permission to call a colleague who deals with this kind of situation.
I said yes.

I sat alone in the exam room.
My baby started crying from hunger, we were there past her feeding time.
The minutes felt like hours. I left my cell phone at home and couldn't call my husband.
I was fighting tears. I was fighting all the "what if" thoughts rushing in.
I vomited. In the sink.
My oldest son asked what was wrong.
I told him I was feeling a little sick too.

Our doctor came in and guided me on how to talk to my son at home. We would move forward if he gave us any cues leading to abuse.

My kids were asking for food from a local sandwich shop on the way home.
I typically would say no, staying true to our budget.

Today I said yes.
We ordered our food and then waited.
I sat in the drive through shaking.
I wanted to scream through the window to hurry up.
I wanted to scream about the car in front of me.
I wanted to scream about the temperature outside.
I was boiling with emotion inside.

I called my husband immediately when I got home.
He wanted to know why.
I said I had to tell him in person.

My hands trembled.
My heart raced.
I got the kids sandwiches cut and made the baby a bottle.

I put the baby in bed right as my husband walked in.
We went into the bedroom.

His eyes had great fear in them.
"Is it him?" (referring to my son who had been up that night..)
"Yes." I said.

I told him everything the doctor said.
My husbands face was red.
His lips were quivering.

"Let's talk to him..."
WE asked my son to come into our room.
The doctor had strongly encouraged us to not ask questions that would lead him to respond in ways he thought would please us..
So we were told not to ask "did somebody hurt you?" "did somebody touch you?"

At this point, I strongly wanted to believe it was fissures.
I didn't want him to give us any information that would point towards this horror.

"Did you go potty at church?
"yes! I went pee!"
"Did someone help you go potty?"
"yes, my friend."
"was it a teacher or a little friend?"
"he my big friend."
we than talked about the day- and about toys, and other things.... changing the subject for some time.
"when did your bottom hurt?"
"At church."

He ran off and we looked at each other with disbelief.
"Maybe he had a hard stool at church..."
"Lets hope."
"I will call the church." my husband said.

I tried so hard to keep it together.
Little things became marathons to do.

I texted our families and a few close friends.
"urgent: please stop and pray for us. We are about to encounter something very hard. Will share details later.. please pray."

24 hours.

It is amazing to me what can change in 24 hours.
In 24 hours you can go from one state to the next, even country.
In 24 hours you can go from being 9 months pregnant to a mother of a newborn.
In 24 hours you can get allot done, or nothing at all.
In 24 hours you can go from being alive in well, to sick, to hurt, to death even.
In 24 hours your entire life can change.
In 24 hours you realize everything you hoped and tried with all your might to protect your child from can be riped out from your heart, and shredded in a million pieces.
In 24 hours your world can dramatically change.
In 24 hours you can trust everyone in your community then look at everyone as a suspect.
In 24 hours you can retrace every step, rethink every decision, remember every face, regret every move you made.
In 24 hours you can start a new journey.
A journey you never asked nor wanted to be on.
In 24 hours, the lights go out.
And you start to walk through the darkness.